Archive for January, 2008

January 22, 2008

Clichés inevitably contain a modicum of truth.

But that misses the mark.

I have an insecurity complex that would have President Bush up in arms, and I don’t know what to do with it. I somehow manage to persuade myself that I exude an aura of confidence and cool calm while simultaneously convince myself of the falsehood that is the pretense of competence I cower behind. I take a perverse pleasure in mood swings such as this, wallowing in depression, yet believing the next moment that everything is swell. In all likelihood I have a Dr Jekyll/Mr. Hyde-esque complex festering in my skull, which will manifest itself in mental disorder sooner or later. Depressing innit? Still, how do you reconcile fear of inferiority and failure and a compulsive need to excel with confidence? I nurse my self-deprecating persona and manage to delude myself of invincibilty. Not only insecurity but inferiority as well.

Ability, confidence, competence and chutzpah. Pfft. What then about that tinge of self-doubt that questions one’s very own humanity? Why else then the apprehension at approaching the subject of one’s own emotional capacity? Dread of discovering that where other people have hearts there is only a dark void, a void that effaces emotion, that inexorably draws emotion and renders it inert, finally residing in the husk of a man, a mere automaton that presents a poor rendition of emotion, experiencing none itself; or perhaps an android with a singular fervour, to learn how to feel like man does.

So, why does a souless and emotionless creature fear failure and incompetence? How does the man who runs the rat race seeing the tail of the leader say he dosen’t care; that his feelings are a fabrication? It happens. The rat tries his best to catch up, but is uneasy as he sees the fork in the road. Whichever path he takes, he forgoes the other; as Frost said: “I have taken the road less travelled, and it has made all the difference”.The rat wants both and takes neither; he ponders his life and watches in regret and dismay as the competition outstrips him on either side.

Why do I hurt myself so, why do I chase the dreams that are not mine?
Why do I fret that others climb above me, when below lies the expanse of the earth?
Why do I fear that I will fall, when I have made it thus far?
Listen to your own advice, live life to the your fullest

A double-edged sword, meta-cognition is.

Clichés inevitably contain a modicum of truth.


January 21, 2008

Week of death over. Year of death starting. Seeing as how the previous week was all about preparing for/first meeting of the year for stuff that I’ll be involved in in the coming year. Although I personally find the expression _____ of death both overused and inappropraite, cliches do often contain a modicum of truth. Rambling now.

First PT session of the year for shooting today. If this keeps up, most of us in the shooting club definately need to buck up our physical fitness. Met Bing Yang/Jon Wah/Rohan at the gym, Biang was supposed to go watch Cloverfield with me but he got persuaded it sucked so we ended up all going home with JW. Now I’m almost aching all over, but feeling good. Need discipline to work out more haha.

Ycomm/youth ministry stuff is weighing rather heavily on me mind, but I know I can and should be relying on God’s strength to glorify and serve Him, but there’s still some degree of pressure, and God works through people, so, yeah, work. Prayers appreciated.

Started a Livejournal account last night solely for the purpose of reading other people’s livejournals. Haha. LJ is so anal-retentive, and it’s not like they have an almost-monopoly in the market like Microsoft; look at Steve Jobs, he allows iTunes and iPods to work on PCs, albiet earning him money through the iTunes store, but still. Stupid LJ. Haha.


January 15, 2008

14th day since the first day of school. Although it’s only been a week and a bit since the first day of school. And 72 days to the Thinkquest deadline. Don’t know why but Thinkquest is really bothering me, especially with what I’ve heard from numerous sources about what kinds of things/research/whatever should be included which our group hasn’t even thought about. I group hasn’t even really met properly with a solid agenda and plan, while all the other groups did their planning during December. ggxx.

I’ve been thinking/doing quite abit since the start of the new year, although today (and yesterday) are particularly remarkable. Not to keep harping on the fact, but sec4 year does bring about alot of responsibilities. Like first few cca training sessions of this year (and for quite a while too), reminds me that I’ve got to really work harder in that aspect if I don’t want the 4 years in Shooting to go to waste. So, I’ve got to work on two fronts regarding Shooting; training wise and leadership wise. Wish me luck

And last night, got a reminder that Rinspire’s first editorial team meeting is on Friday. Got no idea what it will be like; although i know a few people on the team, I don’t know the general picture, where I stand, and what it will end up like or how the dynamics will go. I’m sure everyone will be polite, civilised, well-mannered, amicable, agreeable and generally nice though. Heheh.

Outside of school, my life is pretty much tied up in church and youth ministry stuff. Campcomm is looking more and more daunting, especially as the first meeting comes up, but I’ll be trying to remember that I’m serving God through the end-of-year YM camp, and (hopefully) reminding myself that throughout, to keep my sights on Him, and not just at the camp. So, camp meeting on Saturday, first Ycomm meeting (of the year? ever?) on Sunday. I’ve got to make sure I know what I’m supposed to be doing, what I’m doing, how I’m doing it, why I’m doing it, and then do it right. Again, wish me luck.

Yes, finally done, for those of you who enjoy reading my to-do-list, hope you liked it. I’m so happy with myself, I struck off so many things of my to-do-list today, capped off with this blogpost. Although most of those things were preparing for the stuff above. Lalala

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

On Blogging and Writing

January 9, 2008

It’s become apparent to me that blogging and writing are two very distinct activities and forms of entertainment/expression, at least for myself. After having maintained this blog for some time, the difference between the work produced has become obvious to me.

To sidetrack somewhat, let’s discuss my subject combination. Triple science has always been obvious to me, so at the end of sec2 it came down to History vs Lit. Although I wasn’t sure about weather I had made the right decision, over the past year I’ve come to decide that History was in fact the right decision.

Although many people have told me that I should have taken Lit, I think that structured studying of a text would be much too stifling for me. History, on the other hand, although a “humanity” and definitely open to personal interpretation, is based on solid fact, and now seems more of a fit for my analytical mind. Perhaps lit would have stifled my own miniscule creative spark, from which I derive at least some joy

My creative written productions, although I self-deprecatingly put down, both to others and myself, brings to me a kind of indescribable pleasure to write. Of course, winning an accolade of some sort (or dare I dream, publication in the future) would be great, I admit that the chances of that ever happening, if not slim, are non-existent. But I’ve also come to the same epiphany that every writer has ever had, that the true joy of writing is not the product but the process.

Blogging, on the other hand, has always been a completely different ball game. I’ve always been afraid as coming over as too personal, too informal, too formal, too deep, or too whimsical. But reflecting on the revelation that writing is joy, from now on I’ll be trying to blog any way I like. Which may or may not be the previous style, but it will be a style that I’ll enjoy.

By the way, thanks Sean =)

January 7, 2008

Wow, I’m really starting to blog like Haoqin. Facebookers I scrabbulous with, please move =)

Back to work!

January 7, 2008

Right, school has finally properly actually definately started. With lessons. New Year resolutions for school are to keep work organised and filed, to actually try and revise/practice my math, and to be on task for work. Which reminds me, IT’S TIME TO DO THINKQUEST, 80++ DAYS LEFT ONLY. Hmmmph, see how school will go then…